Forgiveness and Restitution

We must learn to forgive if we want to learn to love... We forgive to let go of the past and embrace our future...

1) Forgiveness is unconditional

2) Forgiveness doesn't minimise the seriousness of the offence committed

3) Forgiveness is not resuming a relationship without change

4) Forgiveness is not forgetting about what has happened

Life is 10% 'what happened' and 90% 'how we react to it'

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Today's sermon was very good cos God has answered my many frustrations about forgiveness. I was frustrated over a friend who wronged me cos I felt I had forgiven her but I was frustrated by my inability to forget the wrongs. I felt a lil disgusted with myself for being petty. But after today's sermon, I felt liberated cos I felt I could put many things in perspective already.

This friend took advantage of my kindness and went to the extent of borrowing my things without permission. She didn't even have to courtesy to bring back the item she borrowed. It was until she saw me searching for it, then she 'remembered' she 'borrowed' my thing. (How can it be borrow when no permission was asked!?!) By the time she confessed and offered to go home to get it for me, I was already late for my gathering.

The best part... she didn't seem sorry for taking my thing for her use without permission. She only told me she felt 'pai seh' or embarassed. That's not the same as 'I'm sorry'. It might have seemed like it meant the same to her but it definitely didn't mean the same to me!

At another incident, I went out with some friends for supper and asked her if she was joining us. At first, she didn't want to go so I asked her if she wanted to spend more time with her bf teasingly. After that, she joined us so I didn't think much about it. The best part? I was scolded by her bf later for 'forcing' her to go cos I teased her! I was like 'What the $#%^&^?'

Since then, I have given her a wide berth and till this day, we don't exchange more than a few sentences. I just felt as if I had nothing else to say to her already...

Now in retrospective, especially after today's sermon, I realise that it was not unforgiveness but simply a breach of trust that had caused the wide berth. I'm not one of those who can communicate well with people I can no longer trust. Plus, she has also not done proper restitution. She simply bought me a pack of chocolates... It might have been some form of restitution to her but not to me. I felt that she was brushing aside a serious matter like breach of trust with something insignificant.

Perhaps she didn't even realise what the problem was! To her, she just thinks I'm angry with her so she has also gone out of the way to avoid me. It's fine with me cos if she doesn't seem to know what the problem is, then we can never be good friends cos our frequency is not in sync. For friends like Jasmine and April, we can become very close friends, almost like sisters, cos our frequency is in sync with each others. So, for me and this friend, that's that...

I also made restitution with another friend I have not seen in 5 years today. Before I met him, I was very apprehensive cos I didn't know what to expect. But after meeting him today, I realise that I have packed up all feelings for him (good and bad) into a coffin and cremated it a long time. I can remain unaffected by things he say... like when he was talking about his wife and son.

In fact, after seeing him today, I realised that things between us could never have worked out cos we were innately very different people. His priorities and mine were always different but I clung on and accomodated for 4 years cos I didn't want to 'lose my investment'. I felt that as long as I worked hard, I could work things out with him.

Anyway, I was glad that things never worked out cos I would have been miserable if I married him. My mom was telling me that I accomodated so much in the relationship that I lost myself in the process. In the last 5 years, I have redirected my life's focus and rebuilt myself. The me that I am today has moved on so much that the girl I was 5 years back is simply a shadow from my past.

In the last 5 years, I've made bad emotional investments, having loved and lost. But each time, I've bounced back stronger and faster. Now, I'm not as emotionally frail and I have learnt how to open up my eyes much more and to make better emotional investments.

I've been told by some friends that I'm simply too picky. The truth is there is a certain quality of life I want for myself to live. Now, I'm living up the quality I want and I'm no longer willing to settle for second or third best. If I cannot live up my current quality or have it better, then I'm willing to remain single and happy than married and miserable.

Although it has taken me the last 5 years to fully figure it out, I'm glad that at 26 years, I'm still young enough to get things right and live right. I didn't have to wait till I'm 50 to figure this out.

I have made restitution with myself for the last 6 months and I'm glad I had. Now, I can truly say I'm in love with myself. I've learnt how to prioritise my life and live it in fulfilment. I can truly say that I no longer live for the recognition of others. As long as it's right and I am not conscience-stricken, I think I can live with myself.

C'est la vie!