Catharsis

The term in drama refers to a sudden emotional breakdown or climax that constitutes overwhelming feelings of great sorrow, pity, laughter or any extreme change in emotion that results in the restoration, renewal and revitalization for living.
(compliments of dictionary.com)

That was how I felt when I watched 'The Leap Years' today. It's a beautiful movie... albeit a lil sappy. In this story, Li-ann (played by Wong Li-lin and Joan Chen), an idealistic Literature teacher (who is born on 29 Feb), meets Jeremy at Windows cafe and was inspired to ask him out to fulfill the tradition of 29 Feb which allows women to propose dates to men. This begins their love story... with a date that only can happen every 4 years.

In the story, many facets of love has been played out.

We see unrequited love played out in the form of Qi Yiwu as KS who was in love with Li-ann since they were children.

There is the foolish hoping against all odds for something that may not materialise in the form of Li-ann hopelessly waiting for the second leap year to see Jeremy again, only to be disappointed when she realises that she was a third party and that he is married and has a daughter.

There's the acting brave to show others you are on the stage of recovery in the form of Li-ann pretending to be married and having a 2 year old daughter when she meets Jeremy.

There's also the pretending to be happy when in fact settling for second best since you can't have what you want, hoping that you can convince everyone you have moved on.

In the movie, there was a line from Jeremy where he says that it takes courage to be single as many people settle in relationships for the fear of being lonely.

That line was like cartharsis for me. Why? I have clung on to a relationship, where I settled knowing that we are just too different. I gave 'Him 1' chances again and again so we could come to middle ground, only to realise that I was the one who constantly gave in, walking over to his 'middle ground', losing myself in that process. I became a different person, gradually losing my spirit, becoming a shadow of my former self. It was only after he left for an overseas posting, friends who saw me commented that without him by side, my spirit was gradually returning and I was my bubbly, spirited self again. This was the wake up call that I could okie by myself and there was no need to settle in a relationship for the fear of being lonely.

I have also fallen in love 'Him 2' cos we seemed to have great chemistry and communication. Though there was never any step forward, I clung on, hoping that he would one day accept me. However, it ended up as an unrequited love when I realised it was not meant to be cos he was too self-absorbed.

There's also 'Him 3' where he had strings attached to an unresolved relationship. I ended up the third party whom he turned to when he was 'lost'. The first breakup with him devastated me to the point I was unable to concentrate on work. My depression led to me falling sick frequently during that period. After a month, he came back to me and I accepted him again. There began an emotional roller-coaster which dragged for almost a year. In the end, it took wisdom to realise that it was never meant to be and walk away from it all.

After these failed relationships, I bummed around like an emotional zombie, acting brave and pretending to be happy on the outside to show others I was okie. I just didn't want people to worry about me.

Thankfully, time really did heal most wounds. I have gained wisdom from these relationships as well as watching friends' successful relationships to realise what most important in a relationship. However, deep wounds do leave scars and although I've come out of my experiences stronger, I'm also battle-scarred by my experiences.

Right now, I don't think I'm ready for any relationship. Seriously, I don't think I can survive another heartbreak again. If I do commit this time, I hope to have a 'happily ever after'. Maybe to some, I might be a romantic fool. I'm really just a romantic idealist who still believe in 'love happily ever after' and is still searching for my 'happily ever after'.

Maybe sometimes, patience is the key to finding what I'm still searching and waiting for. Hopefully, reel imitates real and my patience can yield results one day, allowing me to find the 'Him', my Platonic 'other half'.