Before You formed me in the womb, You knew me;
Before I was born, You set me apart;
(Jeremiah 1:5)
Right from the very beginning, my life was not my own to walk. You have set my path before me and I was merely a traveller of my destiny. You gave me many opportunities to get to know You. Each time You took one step towards me, I took one step back. I kept running from You. Maybe I always knew what You demanded from me and I was not willing to give...
You never promised me that my life would be easy. I merely assumed that it would be. By my own foolishness and sheer stubbornness, I strayed from the path that you set for me. In that process, I stumbled and fell many times, losing myself and the potential You placed in me. I ranted and raved at You for not giving me any short cuts and keeping my battles tough. I never understood until now...
Through my battles, You moulded my character. You set a great destiny for me and You knew that I would never get there unless You toughened me up. You knew that I would run from You but You never wasted the moments that I struggled through. Because of them, I gained wisdom and could now share my experiences with others. With You, there was never a wasted moment... it was just merely part of my destiny.
Through my struggles, I was never alone. My experiences may have left me deep scars from the wounds I have received. However, You were always there, healing and mending my broken heart. Because of You, I was kept broken before you but I was never a broken person. Because of that, I am now a much stronger person. I have confidence to wear my scars on my sleeves because I'm not ashamed of who I was.
From the time I took one step towards You, You took many steps towards me, revealing the destiny that You have set for me. While it amazes me with what You have in store for me, it also frightens me. What You have set for me demands great capacity and there are moments I doubt the capacity you have placed within me. Am I really destined for this greatness You have set for me?
Whenever I cast self-doubt, You give me fresh revelations that only serve to frighten me. Whenever I get frightened, You open new doors for me to rise up another level. You send angels in the form of my family and friends to minister to me and encourage me. Bit by bit, You have torn me down. You filled me with a hunger to be less of myself and more of you.
Today, what You revealed to me only served to remind me of the calling You have given me, the destiny that you have placed in me. Thank You for reminding me that everything I do is making a difference by serving the people around me. That the work that I do daily is shaping a life, day by day. Thank You for reminding how to be Your good and faithful servant - my ministry towards you. Thank You...
As You take me up another level, these are moments I need to be filled with Your wisdom over and over again. I need to walk in Your revelation. Teach me to lean not by my own understanding but by Yours. Give me grace that abounds greatly so goodness and mercy can follow me all the days of my life.
This blog entry was inspired by Corrinne May's Scars (Stronger for life) from her Beautiful Seed album.
I just want to run
Just want to hide away
Close my eyes to your gaze
Just want to leave
Don't want to hear them say
"You're no good at this"
When the world swirls with naysayers
Broken wings and torn pages
The road ahead, drowning in my tears
Break me open
Tear me down
Into pieces
Broken crumbs
On the ground
You can mould and shape me
In your image
Breathe your life
You know I need it
Scars make us stronger for life
Losing myself
Gaining it back again
Forging strength from weakness
All that I am
All that I'm meant to be
Melting in your hand
Let the world swirl with naysayers
Pickled hearts and sour faces
What is real is what I cannot see
Cut away
All within me
That won't bear fruit
Cut away
All within me
PS: Thanks Corrinne for this beautiful song. You are truly an amazing singer/songwriter. May God continue to annoint you with more beautiful songs.
Sunday, March 2
Saturday, March 1
Catharsis
The term in drama refers to a sudden emotional breakdown or climax that constitutes overwhelming feelings of great sorrow, pity, laughter or any extreme change in emotion that results in the restoration, renewal and revitalization for living.
(compliments of dictionary.com)
That was how I felt when I watched 'The Leap Years' today. It's a beautiful movie... albeit a lil sappy. In this story, Li-ann (played by Wong Li-lin and Joan Chen), an idealistic Literature teacher (who is born on 29 Feb), meets Jeremy at Windows cafe and was inspired to ask him out to fulfill the tradition of 29 Feb which allows women to propose dates to men. This begins their love story... with a date that only can happen every 4 years.
In the story, many facets of love has been played out.
We see unrequited love played out in the form of Qi Yiwu as KS who was in love with Li-ann since they were children.
There is the foolish hoping against all odds for something that may not materialise in the form of Li-ann hopelessly waiting for the second leap year to see Jeremy again, only to be disappointed when she realises that she was a third party and that he is married and has a daughter.
There's the acting brave to show others you are on the stage of recovery in the form of Li-ann pretending to be married and having a 2 year old daughter when she meets Jeremy.
There's also the pretending to be happy when in fact settling for second best since you can't have what you want, hoping that you can convince everyone you have moved on.
In the movie, there was a line from Jeremy where he says that it takes courage to be single as many people settle in relationships for the fear of being lonely.
That line was like cartharsis for me. Why? I have clung on to a relationship, where I settled knowing that we are just too different. I gave 'Him 1' chances again and again so we could come to middle ground, only to realise that I was the one who constantly gave in, walking over to his 'middle ground', losing myself in that process. I became a different person, gradually losing my spirit, becoming a shadow of my former self. It was only after he left for an overseas posting, friends who saw me commented that without him by side, my spirit was gradually returning and I was my bubbly, spirited self again. This was the wake up call that I could okie by myself and there was no need to settle in a relationship for the fear of being lonely.
I have also fallen in love 'Him 2' cos we seemed to have great chemistry and communication. Though there was never any step forward, I clung on, hoping that he would one day accept me. However, it ended up as an unrequited love when I realised it was not meant to be cos he was too self-absorbed.
There's also 'Him 3' where he had strings attached to an unresolved relationship. I ended up the third party whom he turned to when he was 'lost'. The first breakup with him devastated me to the point I was unable to concentrate on work. My depression led to me falling sick frequently during that period. After a month, he came back to me and I accepted him again. There began an emotional roller-coaster which dragged for almost a year. In the end, it took wisdom to realise that it was never meant to be and walk away from it all.
After these failed relationships, I bummed around like an emotional zombie, acting brave and pretending to be happy on the outside to show others I was okie. I just didn't want people to worry about me.
Thankfully, time really did heal most wounds. I have gained wisdom from these relationships as well as watching friends' successful relationships to realise what most important in a relationship. However, deep wounds do leave scars and although I've come out of my experiences stronger, I'm also battle-scarred by my experiences.
Right now, I don't think I'm ready for any relationship. Seriously, I don't think I can survive another heartbreak again. If I do commit this time, I hope to have a 'happily ever after'. Maybe to some, I might be a romantic fool. I'm really just a romantic idealist who still believe in 'love happily ever after' and is still searching for my 'happily ever after'.
Maybe sometimes, patience is the key to finding what I'm still searching and waiting for. Hopefully, reel imitates real and my patience can yield results one day, allowing me to find the 'Him', my Platonic 'other half'.
(compliments of dictionary.com)
That was how I felt when I watched 'The Leap Years' today. It's a beautiful movie... albeit a lil sappy. In this story, Li-ann (played by Wong Li-lin and Joan Chen), an idealistic Literature teacher (who is born on 29 Feb), meets Jeremy at Windows cafe and was inspired to ask him out to fulfill the tradition of 29 Feb which allows women to propose dates to men. This begins their love story... with a date that only can happen every 4 years.
In the story, many facets of love has been played out.
We see unrequited love played out in the form of Qi Yiwu as KS who was in love with Li-ann since they were children.
There is the foolish hoping against all odds for something that may not materialise in the form of Li-ann hopelessly waiting for the second leap year to see Jeremy again, only to be disappointed when she realises that she was a third party and that he is married and has a daughter.
There's the acting brave to show others you are on the stage of recovery in the form of Li-ann pretending to be married and having a 2 year old daughter when she meets Jeremy.
There's also the pretending to be happy when in fact settling for second best since you can't have what you want, hoping that you can convince everyone you have moved on.
In the movie, there was a line from Jeremy where he says that it takes courage to be single as many people settle in relationships for the fear of being lonely.
That line was like cartharsis for me. Why? I have clung on to a relationship, where I settled knowing that we are just too different. I gave 'Him 1' chances again and again so we could come to middle ground, only to realise that I was the one who constantly gave in, walking over to his 'middle ground', losing myself in that process. I became a different person, gradually losing my spirit, becoming a shadow of my former self. It was only after he left for an overseas posting, friends who saw me commented that without him by side, my spirit was gradually returning and I was my bubbly, spirited self again. This was the wake up call that I could okie by myself and there was no need to settle in a relationship for the fear of being lonely.
I have also fallen in love 'Him 2' cos we seemed to have great chemistry and communication. Though there was never any step forward, I clung on, hoping that he would one day accept me. However, it ended up as an unrequited love when I realised it was not meant to be cos he was too self-absorbed.
There's also 'Him 3' where he had strings attached to an unresolved relationship. I ended up the third party whom he turned to when he was 'lost'. The first breakup with him devastated me to the point I was unable to concentrate on work. My depression led to me falling sick frequently during that period. After a month, he came back to me and I accepted him again. There began an emotional roller-coaster which dragged for almost a year. In the end, it took wisdom to realise that it was never meant to be and walk away from it all.
After these failed relationships, I bummed around like an emotional zombie, acting brave and pretending to be happy on the outside to show others I was okie. I just didn't want people to worry about me.
Thankfully, time really did heal most wounds. I have gained wisdom from these relationships as well as watching friends' successful relationships to realise what most important in a relationship. However, deep wounds do leave scars and although I've come out of my experiences stronger, I'm also battle-scarred by my experiences.
Right now, I don't think I'm ready for any relationship. Seriously, I don't think I can survive another heartbreak again. If I do commit this time, I hope to have a 'happily ever after'. Maybe to some, I might be a romantic fool. I'm really just a romantic idealist who still believe in 'love happily ever after' and is still searching for my 'happily ever after'.
Maybe sometimes, patience is the key to finding what I'm still searching and waiting for. Hopefully, reel imitates real and my patience can yield results one day, allowing me to find the 'Him', my Platonic 'other half'.
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