Him in my life...

I really dunno what is happening to things that are in my life now... especially the emotional aspect... Mom always says that if I'm as capable emotionally as I am about my career, I wun feel that my life is such a mess...

He comes in and out of my life... not that I really mind that cos I still have feelings for him. But each time he leaves, I always end up feeling upset and miserable. It's till that point where I can barely concentrate on my work... keep making mistakes, not working fast enough etc. Emotionally, the fatigue gets to me so much that I have no energy to do anything else...

Last nite, he wanted to meet me out of the blue... I would really love to but I had to rush a stack of marking. When I called him, he din say anything to me. Yet he told me that he had things to share with me... Sometimes, things just are that strange. What was it that he couldn't tell me over the phone? If he really missed me, then why issit that time and time again, he was the one to leave me first?

So much things that are unclear... so much things unsaid & undone... With all that, where does it leave me? As much as I still love him, it hurts so much to... Maybe I'm a coward... Scared of putting myself out there to be hurt again...

I'm just a very ordinary gal... with things in my life that take up much of my time... leaving me unsettled at this point. I know who I am and what I want. Like any ordinary gal, I too want someone to cherish me and make me feel I'm special to him... I dun wanna have to feel special only when I am needed... But will he understand that?

A kind word and action can make a difference...

One day, when I was a freshman in high school, I saw a kid from my class was walking home from school. His name was Kyle. It looked like he was carrying all of his books. I thought to myself, "Why would anyone bring home all his books on a Friday? He must really be a nerd."

I had quite a weekend planned (parties and a football game with my friends tomorrow afternoon), so I shrugged my shoulders and went on. As I was walking, I saw a bunch of kids running toward him. They ran at him, knocking all his books out of his arms and tripping him so he landed in the dirt. His glasses went flying, and I saw them land in the grass about ten feet from him. He looked up and I saw this terrible sadness in his eyes.

My heart went out to him. So, I jogged over to him as he crawled around looking for his glasses, and I saw a tear in his eye. As I handed him his glasses, I said, "Those guys are jerks. They really should get lives."

He looked at me and said, "Hey thanks!"

There was a big smile on his face. It was one of those smiles that showed real gratitude. I helped him pick up his books, and asked him where he lived. As it turned out, he lived near me, so I asked him why I had never seen him before. He said he had gone to private school before now. I would have never hung out with a private school kid before.

We talked all the way home, and I carried some of his books. He turned out to be a pretty cool kid. I asked him if he wanted to play a little football with my friends. He said yes. We hung out all weekend and the more I got to know Kyle, the more I liked him, and my friends thought the same of him.

Monday morning came! and there was Kyle with the huge stack of books again. I stopped him and said, "Boy, you are gonna really build some serious muscles with this pile of books everyday! He just laughed and handed me half the books. Over the next four years, Kyle and I became best friends.

When we were seniors, we began to think about college. Kyle decided on Georgetown, and I was going to Duke. I knew that we would always be friends, that the miles would never be a problem. He was going to be a doctor, and I was going for business on a football scholarship. Kyle was valedictorian of our class. I teased him all the time about being a nerd. He had to prepare a speech for graduation. I was so glad it wasn't me having to get up there and speak.

Graduation day, I saw Kyle. He was one of those guys that really found himself during high school. He filled out and actually looked good in glasses. He had more dates than I had and all the girls loved him. Boy, sometimes I was jealous! Today was one of those days. I could see that he was nervous about his speech. So, I smacked him on the back and said, "Hey, big guy, you'll be great!"

He looked at me with one of those looks (the really grateful one) and smiled. "Thanks," he said. As he started his speech, he cleared his throat, and began

"Graduation is a time to thank those who helped you make it through those tough years. Your parents, your teachers, your siblings, maybe a coach... but mostly your friends... I am here to tell all of you that being a friend to someone is the best gift you can give them. I am going to tell you a story."

I just looked at my friend with disbelief as he told the story of the first day we met. He had planned to kill himself over the weekend. He talked of how he had cleaned out his locker so his Mom wouldn't have to do it later and was carrying his stuff home." He looked hard at me and gave me a little smile. "Thankfully, I was saved. My friend saved me from doing the unspeakable."

I heard the gasp go through the crowd as this handsome, popular boy told us all about his weakest moment. I saw his Mom and Dad looking at me and smiling that same grateful smile. Not until that moment did I realize its depth. Never underestimate the power of your actions.

With one small gesture you can change a person's life. For better or for worse.

God puts us all in each other's lives to impact one another in some way.

Look for God in others.

To someone special...

It had been a week since I last blogged. During this week, it was a real emotional roller - coaster for me... I was missing him very badly...

It has been nearly a week since I have seen him... during this period, there is rarely a moment that I have not thought of him or wondered what he was doing... but these are also feelings I could only keep in my heart and not tell others... didn't want others to worry about me...

But when night comes or in my quiet moments, it was hard not to think about him... the conversations that we had, the places that we had been to, the crazy things we had done, the fun that we had, the quarrels & disagreements that we had etc.

At times like that, I can feel a silent tear rolling down the corner of my eyes.... I missed him a lot. It hadn't been a easy relationship and there were a lot of constraints we were juggling but I really loved him a lot and still do...

Where do we go from here? I really dunno... All I know is I still miss him and love him very much...