I really dunno what is happening to things that are in my life now... especially the emotional aspect... Mom always says that if I'm as capable emotionally as I am about my career, I wun feel that my life is such a mess...
He comes in and out of my life... not that I really mind that cos I still have feelings for him. But each time he leaves, I always end up feeling upset and miserable. It's till that point where I can barely concentrate on my work... keep making mistakes, not working fast enough etc. Emotionally, the fatigue gets to me so much that I have no energy to do anything else...
Last nite, he wanted to meet me out of the blue... I would really love to but I had to rush a stack of marking. When I called him, he din say anything to me. Yet he told me that he had things to share with me... Sometimes, things just are that strange. What was it that he couldn't tell me over the phone? If he really missed me, then why issit that time and time again, he was the one to leave me first?
So much things that are unclear... so much things unsaid & undone... With all that, where does it leave me? As much as I still love him, it hurts so much to... Maybe I'm a coward... Scared of putting myself out there to be hurt again...
I'm just a very ordinary gal... with things in my life that take up much of my time... leaving me unsettled at this point. I know who I am and what I want. Like any ordinary gal, I too want someone to cherish me and make me feel I'm special to him... I dun wanna have to feel special only when I am needed... But will he understand that?
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I resisted having a blog for the longest time... Something about putting up things about my life somehow irks me... Then friends keep sending me things that I found either interesting or meaningful so births my cherylapple's haven so I can share it with others... Now, my musings also go up and it really interest me to know that there are actually people out there reading my blog... Enjoy and thanks for sharing my personal life with me, even if it was only for a moment! :)
1 comment:
Dear Cheryl,
You are a very capable girl, much more than me in terms of career and love life..
Between you and him, perhaps, time is needed to make this work, like giving you yourself time to think whether he is the one for you.. No doubt, you have a mature mindset, perhaps, the way he thinks is much more mature than you..
I don't know.. It once happened to me that I have this ex-bf who's younger than me.. Sometimes we meet up in the wee hours like 11 or 12 and he drives to my place for a chat.. But when we do meet up, we hardly chat, it's like we have run out of conversation topics..It's like an on-off relationship of meeting up together and not contacting each other which made me give up on him.. Although he did tell me abt his feelings for me, he did not show it... Perhaps that's how the love died... Maybe he's just waiting for me to tell him how I felt..
Maybe you should take an opportunity to ask him out when you are less busy and have a good chat.. Take care..
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