My Life Thus Far

This June has been a very good holiday for me. For the first time in my life, I neglected work... going to school only on the days required. The 2 weeks break which we were officially given, I did not step into school at all!

My Melbourne Trip was fantastic! Now I finally understand why people like to retire in Australia. I loved the winter weather which had an average temperature of about 8 - 12 degrees. We stayed in Trueman's Cottage at Rosebud. The cottage was beautiful!

Here is the lovely garden right outside our door. There is a lovely fountain, although with no water. The tree has Christmas lights strung around it so it will direct Uncle Martin where the cottage is.

Here's the room which I shared with Rosy, my godma. Notice Crinkles sitting on the bed? Crinkles is the teddy bear who has travelled with her on all her holidays. Unfortunately, with all her things and the wheelchair, we forgot to take him out. He spent most of his time in the room. Poor Crinkles!

His consolation? We took him out to Great Ocean Drive where he got to enjoy lovely Devonshire Tea with us.

Even the Macdonald's in Oz is more interesting than what we have here. While I was there, they were having Flavours of the Games promotion, to celebrate the Olympics. There was McEurope (which was yummy!), McAmerica, McAfrica, McAsia and McAustralia burgers which were launched every 2 weeks. Wish I was there long enough to try everything!

I also enjoy my first theatre performance overseas. We watched Boeing, Boeing at The Comedy Theatre. The most fantastic thing? You are actually allowed to eat and drink in the theatre. We had ice-cream during the intermission. This might sound a lil crazy but I actually really love eating ice-cream during winter.

Other places we visited were Moralto's vineyard, Arthur's Seat and the Moonlight Sanctuary where I had so much fun feeding kangaroos, bettongs and tawney frogmouth (a breed of owl). I only wished I could stay there a little longer. Will definitely want to return there again soon.

Over last weekend, I spent it at Batam with friends for spa and shopping. Personally, I found it a rather boring place for shopping. The only shopping delight? Groceries. It is always half the price you would pay here. No wonder there were people carrying large boxes of instant noodles and huge bags of groceries on the return ferry.

I think this was the best 2 weeks of my hols I have spent in the last 2 years. I was totally relaxed!

However, I think I'm seriously allergic to hot weather work. The minute I returned to Singapore and back to school, the migraines have started. Sigh...

Well, I guess we always have to count our blessings. At least, I really enjoyed the 2 weeks. Although term 3 has not begun, I'm already looking forward to the Sept hols... haha... hope the 10 weeks pass quickly and hols come faster.

And now abide faith, hope, love, these three; but the greatest of these is love.
1 Corinthians 13:13

"I Love You" are three words that are so easy to say but often very hard to act on. Trials and tribulations are therefore set to test us in our understanding of love.

Love is a dependency. When we love, we will always depend on others even as we draw strength from them. It is always easy to say we love God but we often have no time to prove we do. There will always be things that will take us away from simply spending time in His presence. While God does not create trials and tribulations, he allows them to happen so that we will learn to draw strength from Him. Therefore when we are weak, these are the moments when we have to fall to our knees and pray even harder so that His grace and love will surround us and give us strength to see us through our trials and tribulations.

Of a more earthly nature, Gary Chapman talks about five languages of love - words of affirmation, quality time, receiving gifts, acts of service and physical touch. For me, while I do show love through all five ways, the main channel is still through acts of service.

To me, God has given me the gift of servant-hood to apply myself in service to others. My life seems to be one of service, be it in the professional and social aspect. Whenever I serve, it is always a sacrifice I make to better the life of another. It can inconvenient me as well as drain me in the physical, emotional and spiritual sense. However, He has never let me down. Whenever, I am discouraged by the trials and tribulations placed in my service to others, He will always bring me down to my knees and teach me to pray even harder to depend of His wisdom and strength. In doing so, I get strength to continue serving people and in doing so, serving God. I never realised it until He slowly reaffirmed this time and time again.

Recently, there have been many trials and tribulations that have weaken me.

Professionally, I don't feel I'm managing so well. I feel like I have lost my internal compass and is not too sure of the direction I should continue to take. The direction which I was very sure to go seems to have done nothing but to add to the stress that has ravaged my poor health. As a result, I seem to be having a declining quality of life. This has left me rather distressed and frustrated because I hate not knowing what I am doing or where I should continue to go.

After endless cries for wisdom and guidance, His answer was to focus and concentrate on what I do best at... teach. I have in no way failed because of a lack of ability. Merely, the want to do well in all things have led to a high level of stress I am subjecting myself to, leading to ravaged health. I believe that for me to focus on merely teaching is not to declare that I have failed. Rather, it is for me to restore and strengthen the foundation of my health and pedagogical skills so that when I do rise again, like a phoenix from the ashes, I will come back stronger and better, able to soar higher than before.

Socially, it was not good news to see Rosy's legs grow weaker day by day till present state. However, God has given her strength and wisdom to face life's everyday challenges. On my part, I am very glad to be of service to the family in anyway I can. For the first time today, I helped to shower Rosy. While she was embarassed by the incident, I am glad that God has placed me there to be of service to her. She was there to guide me when I was at my weakest. This is the little I can do for her to show how much I love and care.

Our prayers have slowly been coming to pass and I believe God's miracles will happen. We just have to wait for His, not our, right moment for them to happen.

Yay! The holidays are here!

This holiday is especially special to me cos it is a time for me to really rest well to build up my ill health. Hopefully, my vacation overseas will really help me to recharge my batteries.

This holiday will also be home improvement time! I will be quite busy at home, helping to tidy up the place. Went with Mom to Courts at Toa Payoh today to buy new furniture to replace our sofa, a new wardrobe for more storage area as well as a drawer for my room.

It's time to role-switch from teacher to homemaker! lolz...

Heat is driving me nuts!

The temperature in Singapore has been soaring and it can get extremely unbearable in the afternoons for me. And with my flu not completely recovered, the heat is inducing chronic migraines ie migraine practically every afternoon. This really sucks cos I have to teach in the afternoon sessions.

Thanks to my migraine, my social life has completely been screwed. I can't really go out very much cos my migraine usually strikes in the afternoons... haven't been going to my gym, cell group and even service. Sigh...

In the end, I have been attending service at the church opposite my house so that with less travelling, my migraine will ease. Can't say that helped a lot... but at least it was the pain was reduced to a dull throb.

I must be a strange Singaporean to be allergic to heat.

Btw, Happy 17th birthday Josh! Even if I spent the afternoon sleeping in your house...

Holidays are coming...

It's a sorry state of your career when all you can look forward to are your holidays. After working for the last 8 years, I've reached a career burn-out. I'm dragging my feet to school each day cos I'm really tired of all the stress that I've been put through. To make things worse, my health is suffering... for the last 3 weeks, I've been down with flu and migraines. The meds are no help cos they are only symptomatic treatments.

Anyway, all systems go for this June hols. I'm off to Melbourne with Rosy and the family from 4th to 10th June and to Batam with some friends from 14th to 15th June. Everything has been booked, payments have been made, I'm ready to have a good time and rest well this hols!

Where shall I go at the end of the year? Korea seems to be calling me back again... kekee...

Sleepless in Queen's

Since the weekend, I have been sleeping very poorly. Tomorrow the kids begin their English paper. I am very worried about the results. The thought of the post exam results analysis is enough to drive me to the depths of depression. I really hope they do well and I can escape a blood bath... sigh...

Rosy - my second mom

These two days were a real awakening to my cowardly nature and my inability to take bad news. I must have been 'sunny' or 'desperately trying to remain sunny' for so long... dealing with the crap that Life throws at me until I can't seem to recognise when I really need to rant and rave to get negative emotions out of my system...

Yesterday afternoon, I received bad news from Aunt Carol (Rosy's sister) that the MRI results are out and the last bout of radiosurgery which she went through in Jan did not managed to blast the tumour in the spine away. In fact, her doctors have said that there is nothing more medical science can help her at this point. They have refered her to the Pain Management Unit and Hospice Care to help her deal with the pain.

When I heard the news, I was kinda shell-shocked. The first thing I thought of was to rush to the hospital and sit with her. Although I didn't stay for very long, at least I was there to hear what the doctor had to say.

Praying for a miracle is not great news that any patient wants to hear but that's what's I'll be praying for nightly. I really believe that Rosy has been God's miracle child for the last 10 years... by sheer will, she has overcome the obstacles that have been placed. And each time as the doctors seem to lose hope, there would be medical breakthroughs just in time to renew hope. This time, even as her doctors keep a lookout for new medical breakthroughs, I'll be praying that God will answer my prayers and the breakthroughs will be just in time.

It seems strange that I should take it so hard even though we have no blood relation. If fact, when both my grandfathers passed away, I was not even a least bit affected. The only time I cried was when they were about to be cremated.

Maybe cos I have not thanked her enough for all she has done to me. In fact, I will always be indebted to her. She was more than my college Literature teacher... she taught me about life, saw hope in me when I didn't even see any in myself. In fact, part of the success I have today is thanks to the skills that she taught me.

I was not much of a bookworm in school. I was always the underperformer. Instead of running after me for what I couldn't do, she gave the job of the Drama Club Secretary, making me run after people. It is this people management skill that has served me well in my workplace till now.

She has also encouraged me to keep educating myself, upgrade to keep it. Maybe I should really start thinking seriously about taking up a Masters'.

The friendship we have built over the years have transcended that of ordinary friends. To me, I go to her for advice more than I actually go to my mom. Though I've never told her, she's like my second mom.

Right now, I just wanna spend more time with her... quickly get a license so I can buy a car and drive her around... treasure her while I still can...

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
To see a world in a grain of sand
And a heaven in a wild flower,
Hold infinity in the palm of your hand
And eternity in an hour.
- Auguries of Innocence William Blake
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

The closer I walk with God, the more sensitive I become to his prompting. I've learnt to become less stubborn and listen more.

Recently, a well-meaning tried match-matching me with her bf's friend. I wasn't all that interested but I wasn't adverse to it either. It doesn't hurt to go out a couple of times to see how things might turn out.

Well, after 2 dates, I started feeling rather uneasy. During a quiet time, God gave me a verse.

"Do not be unequally yoked together with unbelievers. For what fellowship has righteousness with lawlessness? And what communion has light with darkness?"
(2 Corinthians 6:14)

I don't consider myself extremely staunch or religious. But as this verse kept appearing in my mind over and over again, it has to be a sign.

Maybe it just isn't time for me yet. It is just as well.... I just have too much things on my plate at this time. If I had the time, I wanna spend more time with my loved ones. Especially when a very close friend has been in and out of hospital lately...

No one knows what tomorrow may bring... I would rather live for the present moment so I won't have future regrets. When the time is ripe, things will just naturally occur.

Afterall, there's a time and season for everything.

To everything there is a season,
A time for every purpose under heaven:
A time to be born, And a time to die;
A time to plant, And a time to pluck what is planted;
A time to kill, And a time to heal;
A time to break down, And a time to build up;
A time to weep, And a time to laugh;
A time to mourn, And a time to dance;
A time to cast away stones, And a time to gather stones;
A time to embrace, And a time to refrain from embracing;
A time to gain, And a time to lose;
A time to keep, And a time to throw away;
A time to tear, And a time to sew;
A time to keep silence, And a time to speak;
A time to love, And a time to hate;
A time of war, And a time of peace.
(Ecclesiastes 3:1-8)

Jokes galore

1. Losing all your friends

Man comes home and finds his wife with his friend in bed. He shoots his friend and kills him. Wife says 'If you behave like this, you will lose ALL your friends.'

2. Brother wanted

A small boy wrote to Santa Claus, 'send me a brother'....
Santa wrote back, 'SEND ME YOUR MOTHER'....

3. Meaning of WIFE

Husband asks, 'Do you know the meaning of WIFE?
It means 'Without Information Fighting Everytime'!'
Wife replies, 'No, it means 'With Idiot For Ever'!!!'

4. Importance of a period

Teacher: 'Do you know the importance of a period?'
Kid: 'Yeah, once my sister said she has missed one, my mom fainted, dad got a heart attack & our driver ran away.'

5. Confident vs. confidential

A young boy asks his Dad, 'What is the difference between confident and confidential?'
Dad says, 'You are my son, I'm confident about that. Your friend over there, is also my son, that's confidential! '

6. Anger management?
Husband: 'When I get mad at you, you never fight back. How do you control your anger?'
Wife: 'I clean the toilet.'
Husband: 'How does that help?'
Wife: 'I use your toothbrush .'

Before You formed me in the womb, You knew me;
Before I was born, You set me apart;
(Jeremiah 1:5)

Right from the very beginning, my life was not my own to walk. You have set my path before me and I was merely a traveller of my destiny. You gave me many opportunities to get to know You. Each time You took one step towards me, I took one step back. I kept running from You. Maybe I always knew what You demanded from me and I was not willing to give...

You never promised me that my life would be easy. I merely assumed that it would be. By my own foolishness and sheer stubbornness, I strayed from the path that you set for me. In that process, I stumbled and fell many times, losing myself and the potential You placed in me. I ranted and raved at You for not giving me any short cuts and keeping my battles tough. I never understood until now...

Through my battles, You moulded my character. You set a great destiny for me and You knew that I would never get there unless You toughened me up. You knew that I would run from You but You never wasted the moments that I struggled through. Because of them, I gained wisdom and could now share my experiences with others. With You, there was never a wasted moment... it was just merely part of my destiny.

Through my struggles, I was never alone. My experiences may have left me deep scars from the wounds I have received. However, You were always there, healing and mending my broken heart. Because of You, I was kept broken before you but I was never a broken person. Because of that, I am now a much stronger person. I have confidence to wear my scars on my sleeves because I'm not ashamed of who I was.

From the time I took one step towards You, You took many steps towards me, revealing the destiny that You have set for me. While it amazes me with what You have in store for me, it also frightens me. What You have set for me demands great capacity and there are moments I doubt the capacity you have placed within me. Am I really destined for this greatness You have set for me?

Whenever I cast self-doubt, You give me fresh revelations that only serve to frighten me. Whenever I get frightened, You open new doors for me to rise up another level. You send angels in the form of my family and friends to minister to me and encourage me. Bit by bit, You have torn me down. You filled me with a hunger to be less of myself and more of you.

Today, what You revealed to me only served to remind me of the calling You have given me, the destiny that you have placed in me. Thank You for reminding me that everything I do is making a difference by serving the people around me. That the work that I do daily is shaping a life, day by day. Thank You for reminding how to be Your good and faithful servant - my ministry towards you. Thank You...

As You take me up another level, these are moments I need to be filled with Your wisdom over and over again. I need to walk in Your revelation. Teach me to lean not by my own understanding but by Yours. Give me grace that abounds greatly so goodness and mercy can follow me all the days of my life.

This blog entry was inspired by Corrinne May's Scars (Stronger for life) from her Beautiful Seed album.

I just want to run
Just want to hide away
Close my eyes to your gaze
Just want to leave
Don't want to hear them say
"You're no good at this"
When the world swirls with naysayers
Broken wings and torn pages
The road ahead, drowning in my tears

Break me open
Tear me down
Into pieces
Broken crumbs
On the ground
You can mould and shape me
In your image
Breathe your life
You know I need it
Scars make us stronger for life

Losing myself
Gaining it back again
Forging strength from weakness
All that I am
All that I'm meant to be
Melting in your hand
Let the world swirl with naysayers
Pickled hearts and sour faces
What is real is what I cannot see

Cut away
All within me
That won't bear fruit
Cut away
All within me

PS: Thanks Corrinne for this beautiful song. You are truly an amazing singer/songwriter. May God continue to annoint you with more beautiful songs.

Catharsis

The term in drama refers to a sudden emotional breakdown or climax that constitutes overwhelming feelings of great sorrow, pity, laughter or any extreme change in emotion that results in the restoration, renewal and revitalization for living.
(compliments of dictionary.com)

That was how I felt when I watched 'The Leap Years' today. It's a beautiful movie... albeit a lil sappy. In this story, Li-ann (played by Wong Li-lin and Joan Chen), an idealistic Literature teacher (who is born on 29 Feb), meets Jeremy at Windows cafe and was inspired to ask him out to fulfill the tradition of 29 Feb which allows women to propose dates to men. This begins their love story... with a date that only can happen every 4 years.

In the story, many facets of love has been played out.

We see unrequited love played out in the form of Qi Yiwu as KS who was in love with Li-ann since they were children.

There is the foolish hoping against all odds for something that may not materialise in the form of Li-ann hopelessly waiting for the second leap year to see Jeremy again, only to be disappointed when she realises that she was a third party and that he is married and has a daughter.

There's the acting brave to show others you are on the stage of recovery in the form of Li-ann pretending to be married and having a 2 year old daughter when she meets Jeremy.

There's also the pretending to be happy when in fact settling for second best since you can't have what you want, hoping that you can convince everyone you have moved on.

In the movie, there was a line from Jeremy where he says that it takes courage to be single as many people settle in relationships for the fear of being lonely.

That line was like cartharsis for me. Why? I have clung on to a relationship, where I settled knowing that we are just too different. I gave 'Him 1' chances again and again so we could come to middle ground, only to realise that I was the one who constantly gave in, walking over to his 'middle ground', losing myself in that process. I became a different person, gradually losing my spirit, becoming a shadow of my former self. It was only after he left for an overseas posting, friends who saw me commented that without him by side, my spirit was gradually returning and I was my bubbly, spirited self again. This was the wake up call that I could okie by myself and there was no need to settle in a relationship for the fear of being lonely.

I have also fallen in love 'Him 2' cos we seemed to have great chemistry and communication. Though there was never any step forward, I clung on, hoping that he would one day accept me. However, it ended up as an unrequited love when I realised it was not meant to be cos he was too self-absorbed.

There's also 'Him 3' where he had strings attached to an unresolved relationship. I ended up the third party whom he turned to when he was 'lost'. The first breakup with him devastated me to the point I was unable to concentrate on work. My depression led to me falling sick frequently during that period. After a month, he came back to me and I accepted him again. There began an emotional roller-coaster which dragged for almost a year. In the end, it took wisdom to realise that it was never meant to be and walk away from it all.

After these failed relationships, I bummed around like an emotional zombie, acting brave and pretending to be happy on the outside to show others I was okie. I just didn't want people to worry about me.

Thankfully, time really did heal most wounds. I have gained wisdom from these relationships as well as watching friends' successful relationships to realise what most important in a relationship. However, deep wounds do leave scars and although I've come out of my experiences stronger, I'm also battle-scarred by my experiences.

Right now, I don't think I'm ready for any relationship. Seriously, I don't think I can survive another heartbreak again. If I do commit this time, I hope to have a 'happily ever after'. Maybe to some, I might be a romantic fool. I'm really just a romantic idealist who still believe in 'love happily ever after' and is still searching for my 'happily ever after'.

Maybe sometimes, patience is the key to finding what I'm still searching and waiting for. Hopefully, reel imitates real and my patience can yield results one day, allowing me to find the 'Him', my Platonic 'other half'.

Happy Birthday to all celebrating their birthdays today!

After all, you only get to celebrate it once every 4 years... hehee... :)

What does happiness means?

According to Wikipedia, Happiness is emotion in which one experiences feelings ranging from contentment and satisfaction to bliss and intense joy. This definition is, however, a synonymous one. A more clarified one is almost impossible to conceive due to the capacity by which a human can allocate the correct words into an appropriate and meritable sentence that would describe happiness.

Haha... such a 'cheem' definition for a simple emotion. Indeed, happiness means different things to different people.

Today, I had dinner with my girlfriends from secondary school. We have all left school for over 10 years already and we are all at different stages of life. One of them is awaiting the birth of her baby girl, another two are in relationships and me, the happy single. Looking at how far we have come, I feel happy for my friends that they are contented with where Life has led them to.

On the way home, I can't help musing about what happiness could mean to different people. For some, it can be being happily settled in their roles as mothers, wives and daughters. They may define their identity in their relationship with others (people around them).

For some, the fear of loneliness may drive them to find happiness in being in a relationship, even if it seems so clear to others that there is clearly no future in the relationship.

Seriously, I think the key to happiness in really contentment. As long as we are contented in what we have, it's happiness.

However, there are many unhappy people around because they are all chasing elusive dreams like waiting to find Mr 'Right' (which seems more like Mr 'Perfect'), chasing their millions, chasing after promotions etc.

After observing many married and attached friends (happily so or otherwise!), I've learnt that there is really no Mr 'Right'. There is only Mr 'Right' for you. Afterall, beauty is in the eye of the beholder. However, if we waste too much time looking out for Mr 'Perfect', we may actually miss Mr 'Right For Us'. While it's true that tall, dark, handsome, rich and spiffy dresser are very attractive qualities, they are also not qualities that build foundations for marriage. There are more important qualities to build a marriage like being generous, giving, caring, gentle etc.

Chasing millions and promotions are also not a way to be happy. I've been through the stage of chasing for promotions and higher salaries only to find myself extremely fatigued by that experience. Now, I just want to do my best at my work cos I want to put the pupils' interest first. If promotions, increments and bonus come, then praise God for more money.

In fact, I don't even wish to to have a responsibility at work if I can help it. I think I've been pushing myself too hard the last 5 years and now, I just wanna take a back seat a little. To me, happiness now is finding time to do the things I like such as planning quality lessons I can be proud of, completing my marking on time, going to the gym, giving tuitions (allows me to teach subjects I otherwise have no chance to do so in school), watching my favourite Korean dramas, go dancing when I feel like it, watch movie marathons when the mood strikes, go on holidays when I can afford to... most important of all, being paid a salary that matches the kind of work that I do.

Realistically speaking, while we cannot worship money, I'd rather be miserable and rich than miserable and poor. After all, with money, there is a certain level of happiness we can buy. Not worrying about where your next meal comes from is a very great happiness already!

Happiness can really be very simple. The key: Contentment.

Teacher mocks 'poor' essays by pupils in blog

fron http://www.asiaone.com/News/Education/Story/A1Story20080218-50182.html

A teacher has come under fire after his blog entry mocking his Primary 3 pupils was discovered and its URL passed to other netizens. The relief teacher had posted online four excerpts from different compositions written by his pupils and accompanying them, he had commented: "I have three terribly ridiculous compositions... a source of entertainment, I should say... I will type it out... no corrections or whatsoever... enjoy!" He later added a fourth composition.

A primary school teacher who only wanted to be known as Ms Wong, 28, felt the blogger was not professional. "If he puts it on his blog such that the children can improve, it's okay. If it's to amuse himself, then it's not," she said.

Parents my paper spoke to also had harsh words for the teacher. Madam Jearina Champion, a 36-year-old homemaker whose son is in Primary 6, said: "As a teacher, he has forgotten his role. If he thinks the compositions are bad, he should keep it within the boundaries of the classroom. As a teacher, he should care for the emotional well-being of the child." If her son had been one of the pupils whose compositions were criticised on the blog, she would "have a word quietly with him", if she is close to and respects the teacher. If not, she would "write to the teacher and send a copy (the e-mail) to the principal".

Madam Pee Hian Hwe, a 48-year-old mother of a Primary 5 pupil, agreed. "It's not up to me to say whether teachers have a right to do this on their personal blogs, but I guess the school should have rules as to what teachers can or cannot put online," she said.

Technology... love it or hate it but you never know how many people read your blog until something happens. I always thought of my blog was my outlet for my intellectual ramblings and doubted anyone would be interested in my otherwise mundane life. Until the day I posted an emotional problem I was overcoming...

For me, I had my problem worked out already and it was merely airing of my thoughts. Suddenly, all my friends started asking me if I was ok and it got me puzzled. I was wondering what they were refering to... turns out it was the blog entry. I was touched by the sudden outpouring of concerns. =)

I believe that as adults, you have to use your digression to decide what to blog and what not to blog. As a teacher, I do share about my life as a teacher, sometime good and bad. However, I'm not so insensible to post my kid's names, put up their personal information or their writings. Like doctors have code of ethics, so do teachers!

Death Note Marathon

Yay! It's finally here! Finally get to catch a Death Note Marathon... Wanted to catch the last one Golden Village organised but couldn't get tickets. Finally able to get tickets for this one!

I'll be catching it at GV Plaza with 2 other friends.

Date: Friday, 22 February
Time: 8.30 pm
Ticket Price: $29 per pair (includes free flow of popcorn & drinks)

Programme:
2030hrs - DEATH NOTE (130 mins)
2240hrs - 20 mins break
2300hrs - DEATH NOTE 2: THE LAST NAME (140 mins)
0120hrs - 20 mins break
0140hrs - DEATH NOTE SPIN OFF - L CHANGE THE WORLD (130 mins)

Hope I survive my first movie marathon... hehee...

Tis a great news indeed!

I've been finally emplaced... which means that I have been placed on the graduate scale and receiving graduate pay! Yay!

Although the increment isn't much (only $100 plus more), it's still more moolah... definitely worth my last 4 years of pain, stress and sleepness nites.

This also means I can start to think carefully about making plans to achieve my dreams! That's good news coming in pairs for me today!

Praise God!

Hopefully, I'm able to find great teaching opportunities so I can spread my wings a lil! =)

Chinese New Year!

Happy Chinese New Year to everyone!

I like Chinese New Year... It's a great time to catch up with family and friends plus feast on goodies. (diet starts on Monday! haha...) Had a great time honing my mahjong playing skills (but lost out on luck this year!) and playing with friends' babies. I helped to carry baby Chloe and feed her. Chloe even fell asleep in my arms! Passed Mommyhood 1.01 already! =)

However, it can also feel a lil depressing at times... like going to my paternal side of the family. Whenever I go to my paternal grandma's house on the first day, it feels very weird cos we're supposed to be family (same surname, same blood running through our veins) but somehow, they dun feel so family either. My bro and I are the only kids without parents there plus I haven't seen my dad in 4 years either. Only the occasional phonecalls on my birthday. How depressing can it get...

Maybe I should travel next CNY... my spirits needs rejuvenation already....

Study confirms the link between caffeine and miscarriage

US researchers said Monday they have conclusive proof to show that women who drink a lot of caffeine on a daily basis in the early months of pregnancy have an elevated risk of miscarriage, settling a longstanding debate over the issue.

To be absolutely safe, expectant mothers should avoid caffeinated beverages of any kind during the first five months of pregnancy, the researchers said in a paper published in the American Journal of Obstetrics and Gynecology.

The concept that pregnant women may be putting their babies in jeopardy by drinking large amounts of caffeine on a daily basis is not new.

Previous studies have suggested that consumption of three cups of coffee, or 300mg of caffeine a day, corresponds to an elevated risk of miscarriage compared to women who eschew the stimulant altogether.

However, critics argued that the results of those studies were skewed by the fact that women with healthy pregnancies tended to avoid coffee or caffeine because of morning sickness.

In order to get to the bottom of the issue, researchers with Kaiser Permanente monitored more than 1,000 women as they went through their pregnancies -- all of whom continued drinking coffee or caffeinated beverages in the same quantities as they did before conceiving.

The results were unequivocal.

The researchers found that a woman's risk of miscarriage increased in line with rising daily caffeine consumption, be it from coffee, tea, hot chocolate, caffeinated beverages, or a combination of all of these.

Women who consumed 200mg or more of caffeine a day had twice the risk of losing their baby as women who avoided the stimulant entirely.

For the purposes of this study, 200mg was said to be equivalent to two 7.5 oz cups of coffee or five 12-oz cans of a caffeinated soda drink a day.

"Women should consider giving up caffeine for the first three or four months of their pregnancy," said De-Kun Li, an epidemiologist with Kaiser Permanente's Division of Research in Oakland, California.

"If they have to have caffeine, they should limit it to one cup of coffee a day or switch to decaf."
Li noted that the study did not identify how much caffeine a mother-to-be could safely consume, and urged mothers to play it safe, noting that this is one of the few risk factors for miscarriage that they can control.

Scientists believe caffeine can be detrimental to the fetus because it readily crosses the placenta but cannot be easily metabolized by the fetus's under-developed metabolic system.

The stimulant can also cause blood vessels to constrict, leading to decreased blood flow to the placenta.

Researchers with Kaiser Permanente, a health care organization, studied 1,063 pregnant women between October 1996 and October 1998 for this study.

From: http://news.sg.msn.com/topstories/article.aspx?cp-documentid=1199886

Forgiveness and Restitution

We must learn to forgive if we want to learn to love... We forgive to let go of the past and embrace our future...

1) Forgiveness is unconditional

2) Forgiveness doesn't minimise the seriousness of the offence committed

3) Forgiveness is not resuming a relationship without change

4) Forgiveness is not forgetting about what has happened

Life is 10% 'what happened' and 90% 'how we react to it'

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Today's sermon was very good cos God has answered my many frustrations about forgiveness. I was frustrated over a friend who wronged me cos I felt I had forgiven her but I was frustrated by my inability to forget the wrongs. I felt a lil disgusted with myself for being petty. But after today's sermon, I felt liberated cos I felt I could put many things in perspective already.

This friend took advantage of my kindness and went to the extent of borrowing my things without permission. She didn't even have to courtesy to bring back the item she borrowed. It was until she saw me searching for it, then she 'remembered' she 'borrowed' my thing. (How can it be borrow when no permission was asked!?!) By the time she confessed and offered to go home to get it for me, I was already late for my gathering.

The best part... she didn't seem sorry for taking my thing for her use without permission. She only told me she felt 'pai seh' or embarassed. That's not the same as 'I'm sorry'. It might have seemed like it meant the same to her but it definitely didn't mean the same to me!

At another incident, I went out with some friends for supper and asked her if she was joining us. At first, she didn't want to go so I asked her if she wanted to spend more time with her bf teasingly. After that, she joined us so I didn't think much about it. The best part? I was scolded by her bf later for 'forcing' her to go cos I teased her! I was like 'What the $#%^&^?'

Since then, I have given her a wide berth and till this day, we don't exchange more than a few sentences. I just felt as if I had nothing else to say to her already...

Now in retrospective, especially after today's sermon, I realise that it was not unforgiveness but simply a breach of trust that had caused the wide berth. I'm not one of those who can communicate well with people I can no longer trust. Plus, she has also not done proper restitution. She simply bought me a pack of chocolates... It might have been some form of restitution to her but not to me. I felt that she was brushing aside a serious matter like breach of trust with something insignificant.

Perhaps she didn't even realise what the problem was! To her, she just thinks I'm angry with her so she has also gone out of the way to avoid me. It's fine with me cos if she doesn't seem to know what the problem is, then we can never be good friends cos our frequency is not in sync. For friends like Jasmine and April, we can become very close friends, almost like sisters, cos our frequency is in sync with each others. So, for me and this friend, that's that...

I also made restitution with another friend I have not seen in 5 years today. Before I met him, I was very apprehensive cos I didn't know what to expect. But after meeting him today, I realise that I have packed up all feelings for him (good and bad) into a coffin and cremated it a long time. I can remain unaffected by things he say... like when he was talking about his wife and son.

In fact, after seeing him today, I realised that things between us could never have worked out cos we were innately very different people. His priorities and mine were always different but I clung on and accomodated for 4 years cos I didn't want to 'lose my investment'. I felt that as long as I worked hard, I could work things out with him.

Anyway, I was glad that things never worked out cos I would have been miserable if I married him. My mom was telling me that I accomodated so much in the relationship that I lost myself in the process. In the last 5 years, I have redirected my life's focus and rebuilt myself. The me that I am today has moved on so much that the girl I was 5 years back is simply a shadow from my past.

In the last 5 years, I've made bad emotional investments, having loved and lost. But each time, I've bounced back stronger and faster. Now, I'm not as emotionally frail and I have learnt how to open up my eyes much more and to make better emotional investments.

I've been told by some friends that I'm simply too picky. The truth is there is a certain quality of life I want for myself to live. Now, I'm living up the quality I want and I'm no longer willing to settle for second or third best. If I cannot live up my current quality or have it better, then I'm willing to remain single and happy than married and miserable.

Although it has taken me the last 5 years to fully figure it out, I'm glad that at 26 years, I'm still young enough to get things right and live right. I didn't have to wait till I'm 50 to figure this out.

I have made restitution with myself for the last 6 months and I'm glad I had. Now, I can truly say I'm in love with myself. I've learnt how to prioritise my life and live it in fulfilment. I can truly say that I no longer live for the recognition of others. As long as it's right and I am not conscience-stricken, I think I can live with myself.

C'est la vie!