Happy Valentine's Day!

For the single souls like moi... be glad you never receive cards like this!

MARIANE'S VALENTINES (Rejected by Hallmark Cards)
by Mariane Holbrook - from www.marianeholbrook.com

# 1
With all my heart I love you,
With all my heart I care;
I still have one big question, though,
"Do you still dye your hair?"

#2
You look so lovely in that dress
I even love your hat.
Is it okay to tell the world
You've gotten sorta fat?

#3
My valentine, I love you so,
You fill my heart with bliss.
If you'd just put your teeth in
Then I might enjoy a kiss.

#4
Dear Valentine, you are so dear,
I love your tender touch.
Let's just forget your mother said
You'd not amount to much.


A young man called his mother and announced excitedly that he had just met the woman of his dreams. Now what should he do? His mother had an idea: "Why don't you send her flowers,and on the card invite her to your place for a home-cooked meal?"

He thought this was a great strategy and arranged a date for a week later. His mother called the day after the big date to see how things had gone.

"The evening was a disaster," he moaned.

"Why, didn't she come over?" asked his mother.

"Oh, she came over, but she refused to cook..."


When Mary was pregnant, her 5 year old, Billy, was utterly amazed, and a little bit
disbelieving, that his sister was growing in his mommy's tummy. So one day when the baby was especially active, she asked Billy to place his tiny hands on her tummy to feel the baby kick.

When he did, however, the baby was suddenly still.

"Oh, Billy, she must have decided to take a nap," shrugged Mary.

"A nap?" Billy marveled. "You mean there's a bed in there too?"


A man spoke frantically into the phone: "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart".

"Is this her first child?" The doctor asked.

"No!" the man shouted, "This is her husband!"


A successful lawyer bought a brand new Lexus and brought it in the parking lot to show his colleagues. A truck drove by and tore off the door. He dialed 911. The police came but the lawyer started screaming hysterically. "I just bought this car and it's ruined."

When the lawyer wound down the policeman shook his head in disbelief and said, "I can't believe how materialistic you are. You are so focused on possessions. Don't you notice anything else?"

The lawyer asked how he could say such a thing.

The policeman said, "Don't you know that your arm is missing from the elbow down?"

The lawyer screamed, "Oh, no. my Rolex is gone!